


Forever and Always [is a promise]

by MediocreHuman



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Depression, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, IDK He mentions getting hanged, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Not Beta Read, Quynh feels helpless and lashes out, Sad Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:41:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26276575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediocreHuman/pseuds/MediocreHuman
Summary: He’s trapped in an endless cycle of self-hate and grief and ruining everything he loves. The only reason he’s stopped running is that Quynh demanded he stop and he was too afraid to deny her. Too afraid she would leave him too.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 123





	Forever and Always [is a promise]

The silence is crushing him. He has always remained on the edge of the group, never quite fitting in. His betrayal had only increased the distance.

It’s his own fault. He is a coward and he is selfish. If he hadn’t been so weak then maybe everything would be okay but it isn’t. He doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to see the anger and pain in their eyes, yet when he disappeared, every part of his soul ached for the familiarity of his family. He always got dragged back anyway.

He’s trapped in an endless cycle of self-hate and grief and ruining everything he loves. The only reason he’s stopped running is that Quynh demanded he stop and he was too afraid to deny her. Too afraid she would leave him too.

Nile tries interacting with him, tries to get him up and moving. Sometimes he indulges her. Usually, he gently brushes her off. Gives a quiet “Maybe next time”, pairs it with a small smile. He isn’t sure why he bothers, she always sees through it. It pains him to be the cause of the unhappy looks on her face but at this point, it’s to be expected. He is the traitor, the coward, the weak and selfish man who destroys everything he touches. He is drowning and he can’t bring himself to care. 

He had pushed Quynh, his only ally away, towards the trembling arms of Andromache, letting them reconnect without his presence to poison their interactions. 

Joe and Nicky are still mad. They haven’t said so, but he knows. He doesn't blame them. Here he is, the eternal intruder, the unwanted extra, the parasite they had gotten stuck with 200 years ago, and were too kind to abandon. Who shoved their kindness in their face and left them to rot, despite his full faith that they would have gotten themselves out. 

He just wants to die. To stop living, breathing. He wants to drown, and oh how that thought makes him feel guilty after two centuries of feeling Quynhs madness. How she still flinches over rain and how she screamed that first and only time they left her to shower on her own. 

He wanted, wants the end, and no amount of apologies or regret can stop that. So he distanced himself. Stopped eating with them, or at least tried. Quynh threatened to cut off his balls if he didn’t join. He had gone mostly to appease her. And had continued going, but now, it just doesn’t seem worth it, even as her (probably not serious) threat hangs over him.

“I’m not hungry”. He’s sure he’s a sad sight, curled up in his bed, clothes unchanged since yesterday, and probably the day before. His hair, overgrown and greasy hangs limply over his face. Combined with the duvet he pulled over his head when she entered the room, he feels sufficiently shielded from Quynhs demanding eyes. 

“I don’t care. Nile wants a family dinner. Get up.” The only move he makes is to pull his blanket righter over himself. He sees a flash of something, he's not sure what cross Quynhs face before it is hidden behind a steel mask. Regret, sorrow, anger maybe? He simply sighs and turns around, leaving his vulnerable back to the door. He closes his eyes. 

Opens them instinctively when he feels a knife to his gut, startles as her angry screams resonating in his ears. He feels bad, in a vague, disconnected sense, about the tears pouring down her face, the panicked look in the other's eyes as they rush in to see what the fuss is about. He observes the knife with a sense of detachment, watches his body attempt to push out the foreign object Quynh still holds tight and sighs again. He carefully removes the blade from her shaking hands and places it on the bedside table. Then slowly, achingly, he pushes himself up against the headboard and gathers his sister into his arms. 

Over her sobbing, he catches the other's gaze. See’s Nicky’s caution, Joe’s confusion, and worry, Andy’s fury that someone made her love cry, and her frustration that she doesn’t know how to fix it. Nile’s concerned eyes are the first to look away, before she leaves to allow them the moment, dragging the others with her. 

He mechanically shushes Quynh, running his fingers through her silky hair. He understands. Sometimes Quynh gets angry and she needs to vent. He doesn’t mind playing punching bag. When the cries quiet down, he gently releases her. 

“The others are going to be concerned” he states mildly. Slowly, as if gathering up the pieces of herself, she stands up, reaching for his hand. To stall for time, he drags his ruined clothes over his head and dumps them on the floor. Would ideally like to get a new shirt but his possibly still angry sister is in the way and sleep seems like the easier option. 

When it becomes clear that he will not follow her, her red-rimmed eyes sharpen. She is not going to let this continue. Not when she can do something about it.

“Andy?” The aforementioned person appeared instantly, not even bothering to pretend she wasn't listening by the door. Nicky and Joe are right behind her. “Be a dear and help me move our friend here to the living room.” Andy raised a curious eyebrow but still grabs onto his arm and pulls him to his feet. Black spots danced in front of his eyes and all his dead weight ends up on Andy, causing her to stumble.

“Jesus Book, help me a little will you? You aren’t exactly li-” She cut herself off, the familiar banter dying on her tongue. Booker would have been amused if he had the energy. It had been a while since the others had seen him wearing anything less than 3 layers and while it hadn’t been purposeful, it had apparently kept most of his weight loss hidden. Still. Andy gave an order. He can do this. Probably. He does try to coordinate his limbs but his body refuses to comply. Andy huffs and Nile pushes past the boys in the entryway to offer her aid. Together, they drag him over to the couch, dropping him rather unceremoniously.

He allows his eyes to go blank, staring unseeingly at the wall. It’s easier this way, the world can’t hurt him if he isn’t there. He suppresses a shiver. The next thing he knows, warm, gentle, familiar fingers are cupping his cheeks. Yusef’s warm brown eyes meet his own as Joe kneels before him. The rest of their family watch solemnly. Quynh leans back in her chair, movements relaxed, but her eyes are full of determination. Andy is perched on the armrest, hands placed gently on her lover's shoulder as if to hold her back. Andy knows full well what her wife is capable of when she has a goal. Nile similarly is perched on the other armchair, while Nicky stands protectively next to her. She’s squeezing his hand tightly and it must hurt but he stays stoic. All of their attention is now solely on him. He feels exposed in a way that had nothing to do with his shirtlessness. He hates it. Yusef speaks first, his love evident in every word and it takes everything in him not to burst into tears right then and there. 

“This can’t continue Sebastien. We’re worried about you. You can’t live like this.” A bitter laugh forced his way out of his throat as he pulled his face away from Joe’s warmth. Joe lets him.

“Never stopped me before.” He sees raised eyebrows. Right. He never really told them what he got up to when they split up. He usually lied. He’s too tired right now. 

“I don’t...I can’t...I was alone and- it doesn’t matter.” ‘I don’t matter’ is what he wants to say. “I’m just tired.” He wants a drink. He wants to sleep, he wants to stop being such a _weak/desperate/selfish/coward_ \- and if that means no longer living, then he will welcome death with open arms. Had tried, God knows how many times. Even death rejected him in the end, and sometimes, in his darker moods, he wonders if he truly is unlovable, irredeemable. He has to be if even death denies him.

“Booker…” he glances up at the sound of his name and instantly has to look away. The sorrow and guilt in the eyes of his once best friend is too much. He had taken Joe for granted once and he had lost him. Lost him, because he had tried to make it all go away. He wanted them to have a choice, all of them because he knows the pain of losing your love and would never wish that feeling upon his brothers. What was meant to be a gift turned into a curse and now he may never be forgiven. He doesn’t want to be. He is weak. 

“Just send me away. Please, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep- I don’t- I just don’t know what to do anymore.” He chokes back a sob, and tries to cover his face, he is ashamed of how he breaks down.

This time, it is his turn to be dragged into an embrace as Joe flings his arms around his shaking form, grip tight as if that alone could keep him from falling apart at the seams. 

They crumple to the floor, uncaring, as Joe whispers nonsensical reassurances in as many languages as he can think of. 

Nile moved to Booker’s side, running her fingers through his hair, just as he had done for Quynh seconds/minutes/hours before. Nicky took Booker’s place on the couch, his leg pressed reassuringly against his back, silently lending his support. Andy watches as her soldiers- her family grieve over all they had missed. All she has missed. 

His desperate request rings in her ears and she doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to fix this. Instead of acknowledging what he said, she simply responds with a lame “We aren’t meant to be alone” 

For Booker, it isn’t an answer to his plea, and the familiar words ached, deep within his soul. Because that's the problem isn’t it? He is always alone. Even now, with his family surrounding him, he still feels alone. Alone, and cold, and abandoned. He shivers again. Sometimes he wonders if he is still in Russia, frozen to the bone, terrified, and gasping for breath at the end of a noose. His first deaths still haunt him. To this day the cold still frightened him. 

Nile must have noticed because she disappears momentarily and he can’t help the wounded noise he made, the flash of terror, and the feeling of abandonment, even after she returns with a blanket. She shoots him an apologetic look and grabs his hand as if to reassure him that she is still there. That she has returned and hasn't left him behind to freeze. 

Andy must have noticed her words didn’t have the desired effect as she huffed and dragged Quynh over. Somehow she ends up on the floor next to Booker while Quynh looks at her rather smugly from where she sits cross-legged on the couch with Nicky, long fingers delicately running through Booker’s messy hair. It’s hard being the leader sometimes. 

“Listen Book. I know this game can be fucking shitty okay? And I’m sorry we didn’t see how badly you took it.” She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. She may have gained her immortality back but apparently this headache is beyond even miracle healing. At least Booker is listening, even if he isn’t looking at her and is instead fidgeting awkwardly with his hands. “You’ve done some shitty things.” She pretends not to notice his flinch and pushes forward. “But you’re still our baby brother.” Gods she wishes she could wipe that doubtful look off his face. “We love you Book. Forever and Always. Got it?” She ends her mini-speech on a question, a challenge. Practically dares him to disagree.

It’s so Andy, Booker couldn’t help but laugh. With the looks on Joe and Nile’s faces, you would have thought Christmas came early. Joe, who had loosened his grip on his brother when Andy began speaking, re-tackled his little brother with Nile not far behind. Booker shot a confused glance at Andy but she just chuckles and moves as Joe replaces her at his side. He turned (as much as he is able to) to Nicky, whose gaze is fond as he watches over his family. 

“I think this is the first time we’ve heard you laugh in…” Nicky paused, looking thoughtful. “I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve missed that sound Libretto” Booker ducks his head shyly, pink rising in his cheeks. He isn’t sure how to react to all this, well love. He has forgotten how to be the center of attention, in a positive way, rather than lashing out and feeding off the scraps of contempt when these actions inevitably have consequences. 

He is still exhausted. Exhausted and heavy and sad, his demons still whisper _cowardly/selfish/monster/weak_ into his ears, and the urge to drink is still there, and constant nagging in his brain. But he thinks it might be okay because his family is here. He can see it now. He isn’t sure how he missed it. Family is Nicky’s leg, pressed firmly into his back as a reminder, and silent promise that he is watching, guarding, giving him the room, and safety to be vulnerable. It’s Nile’s hand gripping his and the blanket she provided because she knows he hates the cold. It’s Joe’s arms encircling him, as his beautiful words give way to silence, but only for a moment as Quynh, who is still playing with his hair, begins humming a quiet melody, ancient and long forgotten, yet still beautiful. Family is Andy lettering her guard down, head leaning against Nicky’s thigh and her arm thrown over Joe’s shoulders so that her fingers can brush against Booker’s arm. 

This won’t solve all of his problems. There is no magic fix-all, but it’s a start. Booker’s family is small, and it can be dysfunctional at times, but he is loved, and for now, that is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This was 100% a vent fic, so sorry about any mistakes! I tried to edit all the tense issues and POV switches but I'm crap at looking over my own stuff.
> 
> Title inspired by Sad song by Parachute, still not sure if I like it. 
> 
> Feel free to leave constructive criticism. Or if there's something you thought I should have tagged that I didn't. I really hope it doesn't send a notification when I edit things.
> 
> Also, "Libretto" (Booklet) was inspired by "Though you are alone and not quite beyond loneliness--" by Dialux and is by far my favorite nickname I've come across. Also, I love the entire fic.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25859176?view_full_work=true#main


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